WASHINGTON—In the wake of this morning’s mass shooting in Alexandria, VA, every single American from across the political spectrum was reportedly able to cite the tragedy as irrefutable proof that they had been right about everything all along. “I’ve always said gun control puts our citizens at risk and makes them…
VINELAND, NJ—Saying that he doesn’t function properly unless he’s completely jittery and suffering from nausea, local claims adjuster Spencer Howell told reporters Monday that he’s not his normal self until he has too many cups of coffee and feels like he could die at any second. “I’m totally useless in the morning…
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